1:43 AM

people keep saying “you ruined me” 

it’s funny

ludicrous even
because

i was the one who kept playing with fire

i was the one who watched the smoke rise

i keep hearing all this shit when all i keep thinking of is how i ruined myself

i broke my own heart

i lost myself

i lost my shit

how i fucked this all up

it’s crass

it’s rude

it’s unladylike but shit

this is the truth

and the truth is like that

it doesn’t strive to be pretty

it is what it is

and it was what i was

and perhaps still am

destroyed
decaying 
and slowly becoming my own 
version of a skeleton
left with all my morality

i kept searching for things that i wasn’t meant to have

i became the storm that i myself feared

i wrecked havoc in what should have been a holy land of sorts

i stopped living what was supposed to be my life for a bit

i started living vicariously through others

fictional friends mixed with flesh and bone ones

i started sitting in the middle of my own precipice

and dangled my foot in the waters of danger

i might’ve lost my 

m i n d 

here 
       and 
              then

there were people warning me of what i could become

my mother kept asking for honesty

my father kept telling my of candidness

but all i did was retreat and retreat into my most intimate demon

i kept everything to myself to the point that a slight push could set me off

and i did

i cracked, 

shattered 

and exploded 

without anyone noticing

but i guess that’s what demons do

shot glasses suddenly became closer friends

with alcohol providing minuscule portions of strength

and borrowed lighters became playmates

with burnt fingers and hot palms a distraction

my pillows and my tears would constantly have a conversation 

and i 

s l o w l y

f o r g o t

what sleep was

and perhaps all this was a side effect of all that medication

or maybe this is the side effect of living

if it's any of the two

i wouldn't know

or 

i would not 

be 

sure

of

which to 

g i v e 

u p